Respect the Name

I’ve always loved people in Hollywood whose names were Kelly.

Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway was the first CD I ever bought. And listened to it until my ears bled. I never watched Regis and Kelly, but I knew she had (kind of) her own show and got to wear cute things, so that was enough for me. Kelly Kapoor on The Office (played by the fantastic Mindy Kaling) is exactly who I would be in another life if I had no conscience and no brain. (I’m not sure if that sounds freeing or terrifying).

I like all Kellys. Except Kellie Pickler. She doesn’t know how to spell and her last name is too close to pickles. Which I hate. Moving on. Can we talk for a second about how there are statistically more men named Kelly than women? Where are you guys?

Maybe I’m narcissistic, but let’s go with the only other option I could think of: that growing up I felt like if those Kellys could make it then maybe–just maybe–I could make it too. So here, in the fabulous style of Kelly Kapoor, is how to live an awesome life of no ragrets. Not one single letter.

#1 When you wake up, WAKE. UP. Start the day knowing it’s going to be freaking awesome. You’re allowed to sing, just not within a 20 foot radius of anyone who hasn’t had coffee. Or who hates singing. Or mornings. Or you.

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#2 Get ready for the day. Make up or no, you’re fierce, girl (or boy). Wearing yesterday’s underwear? Nobody will know. Hair sticking straight up? Hakuna matata. Throw up your Kelly deuces and walk out the door like you meant to look like the hot mess you are. Emphasis on hot. Or handsome. (Are there guys that read this blog? Welcome. I’m sorry if I ever make you feel awkward. Like now).

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#3 When 10AM comes and your morning wave of “Holy crap I’m going to be so productive today” fades out, don’t panic. Or panic. Whichever makes you feel better. If it bothers people, that’s not your problem. You’re, like, literally dying.

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#4 Stand up for what you believe in. Even if it’s an unpopular opinion, even if you have to make a ruckus. Let people hear you, because you have dreams, passions, beliefs, and values. And you’re going to be heard, dang it.

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#5 YOU’RE GOING TO BE HEARD, DANG IT.

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#6 If you’re at a place in your life where you feel like you’re pretty much alone, or your friends are ditching you, or you’re dying (see #3), don’t panic. There’s a reason:

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#7 Don’t go looking for that special someone. Think about it: how catastrophic would it be if we were in charge of the timing of everything that happened in the universe? Your #1 beau will show up when they’re supposed to.

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#8 But when they finally have a face and a name, you’re allowed to become all of the “new girlfriend” stereotypes in the book. PSA: You’re also allowed to react in the same way when seeing puppies, new seasons uploaded to Netflix, and your pizza coming to the table.

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#9 People know not to mess with you, because you could mess them up. And look cute while doing it.

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Yes, all of these principles are transferrable to those not named Kelly. But, still…get on our level.

 

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