7 Things Not to Eat on A First Date

That cute guy finally asked you out. You’re headed to dinner and a movie with a friend who’s not really just a friend anymore (trust me, been there). Or maybe it’s prom and you guys last minute decided “What the hay? Let’s go somewhere fancy.”

The title says first date, but it can also apply for anytime you’re trying to woo a laddie or lass.

I’m sure the last concern you have is what you will order. And that’s why I’m here: to make your list of concerns longer. Behold, 7 things you should not be eating on a first date.



1. oreos.

(I have some personal experience with this one. But I don’t talk about it with anyone but my therapist). I know what you’re thinking:

I don’t care if I’ve found my soulmate. I shouldn’t have to give up Oreos for anyone.

You’re right. And you don’t have to give them up forever. Just first date, remember? That way you can hit them with your winning half/grin smoulder–


–and no little black specks steal the show. Boom. Second date guaranteed.



2. Salad. 

It’s great for you, and depending on who they are you might get points for being healthy, but not. On. The. First. Date. There’s nothing more awkward than trying to answer “What do you want to do with your life?” after you spent 30 seconds trying to fit your mouth around an iceberg wedge that is actually the size of an iceberg.

What do I want to do with my life? I want to figure out how to eat salad without looking I like I’m on Vicodin and laughing gas. 

For those who insist on first date salads, be as dainty as Jack Sparrow (Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow) and eat it like this:





3. Poppyseed anything.


Poppyseeds don’t have a taste anyway! It’s like their sole purpose in existing is to get stuck in our teeth and make scientists figure out if we can get high from them. (You can’t, by the way).


4. Anything with “Garlic” or “Onion” in the title.


If you want to actually talk to your date for the rest of the night (or kiss. But not until you’re married, kids), please don’t eat garlic or onion. I’m not sure why those foods exist. Maybe God wanted the culinary equivalent of dyspeptic skunks. Until we figure it out though, it’s not first date food material.





5. Strawberries, kiwi, or other fruits with seeds. Watch out for the fruity lemonades, even. 




6. Ribs/Wings

I thought it was safe, you marvel. I thought I picked a food that wouldn’t make me look like a fool! you think to yourself as you’re trying to wipe barbecue sauce off your hands, cheeks, ear, elbow, left shin, niece, and professor’s dog. How did things go so awry? Why didn’t I trust that blog post I read?

I know, man. But it’s too late. You just gotta get out of there.




7. Lastly, like we even needed to tell you…no really bad eggs.




This advice isn’t scientifically proven to work, but I’m willing to bet if you stay away from these foods, the chemistry between you two will be as crackling as it is with Jack and Will.



2 thoughts on “7 Things Not to Eat on A First Date

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